The Speeding Chronicles
by Lemon Muffins
Summary: This is a series of oneshots that I've compiled about the Twilight characters, and what happens when they can't always evade the law... Some smutty, some sweet, and some just plain funny. All human. Enjoy.


This is a series of oneshots that I've compiled about the Twilight characters, and what happens when they can't always evade the law... Some smutty, some sweet, and some just plain funny.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters.

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The Speeding Chronicles, Part 1: Officer Bella

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_Oh, shit!_ he thought after looking at his watch. _Alice is going to kill me!_

His sister Alice was always one for punctuality while Edward was the procrastinator in the family, which usually lead to his speeding down the highway as he was doing at that moment.

If he was honest with himself, he knew that he made himself late on purpose. The first reason of which being that he wasn't very excited about what was waiting for him at the end of his destination. Alice had set him up, _again_. He had never fallen for any of the girls she attempted to hook him up with in the past, and he didn't understand why she kept trying; he didn't mind being single in the least (in fact, he found it rather invigorating after his most recent relationship) and he intended to continue being such for the time being. Perhaps if he found the right girl he wouldn't be so intent on remaining single, but he didn't expect that to happen for a long time, if ever.

The second reason he was late was because frankly, he just liked driving fast. He would roll his windows down all the way and the let the wind blow past him as he pushed 90 miles per hour, swerving between cars expertly, sometimes earning him a honk for his efforts, but those horns just encouraged him. They made him chuckle to himself and just press down on the accelerator harder, irrationally making it his goal to go so past that the cars wouldn't even bother tooting their horns at him any more. A silly thought, he knew, but he liked the idea nonetheless.

His third and final reason was his most petty. He loved seeing Alice flustered, as she always was if he was even half a minute late. She would fume and glare and yell, but he found it all so adorable that he frequently found himself coming up with ways to piss off his darling sister. And his reason today was foolproof: he had taken extra care deciding on his outfit. Alice wouldn't be able to scold him for finally taking her advice, and that would upset her even more. As he said, _foolproof_.

So there sat Edward Cullen in his car, going 97 in a 65 mile area, priding himself on never having been in an accident or even pulled over. He was very cocky about that. Looking at his watch he saw that it was now 6:27 and he had 3 minutes to get to the restaurant when it was a four minute drive.

_Perfect_, he smirked to himself.

He got to the restaurant one minute late, as predicted, and Alice stood outside, strangely not looking terribly mad.

He got out of my car cautiously, wondering if she was alright mentally.

"Hi, Edward!" she called, that strange grin still on her face.

He instinctively looked at his watch again. Yes, he was late, so why was she still acting happy?

"Hi?" he responded warily.

"Guess what?" she asked excitedly.

"What is it, Alice?" he was starting to get upset that he couldn't use his brilliant excuse on her; he'd have to save it for when she was especially mad.

"You're late!" she said, still surprisingly happy.

"Yes..."

"And I have payback! Your perfect woman stood you up!" she smirked.

_Damn, she was good_. She knew he hated dressing up, and now it was for nothing. They were even for once. No wonder she was smiling.

"If she were so perfect, she wouldn't be standing me up," he replied logically.

"Well, it wasn't officially 'standing you up' since she called me to cancel around lunch time. She was asked to cover someone's shift at work, and she's just too nice to tell anyone no, so..."

He smiled inwardly, thinking as a typical guy when his sister described this girl as one not to say "no" to anyone. Maybe she _was_ his perfect girl after all, he smirked.

"...next week, alright?" Alice looked at me expectantly. While he was lost in my own perverted world, she had apparently continued speaking to him. _Why couldn't she leave me alone to my fantasies?_

She sighed exasperatedly, knowing he hadn't been paying attention and repeated herself. "We rescheduled for next week, alright?"

"Alright," he mumbled, knowing there was no way to say no to Alice. He felt bad for the poor girl she had spotted in the supermarket the day before and deemed "meant to be" with her brother and all the terror she probably faced when Alice randomly suggested a double date. She must have been too frightened to say no to her, even if it meant going on a date with a man she'd never met. Poor girl... Edward wasn't at all surprised she canceled.

He started walking away, but didn't get far. "Wait!" He turned around to face my pixie of a sister. "Aren't you going to stay for dinner?"

"And be a third wheel between you and Jasper?" He asked as said man emerged from inside the restaurant. Edward gave him a nod, which he returned.

"They have the table set, Al," he spoke to her smoothly and she looked at her brother pleadingly.

But he wouldn't be had. He just wanted to go home and go to bed.

"Sorry, I can't stay. Since I don't appear to have a date, I'll be going home-"

"But Edward!"

"To reorganize my closet. I know you wanted to buy me new things anyway, so I thought I'd make room."

"GO!" she shouted, shoving him towards his car. He chuckled and got a smile out of Jasper, who bowed slightly in recognition of his brother-in-law's powers of deflection when it came to his lovely wife. Very few knew how to handle her.

He hopped back in his car with a smirk on his face and sped away into traffic, cutting people off and earning him a couple beeps from the surrounding cars. He could just barely make out Alice shaking her head at his antics in his side mirror before he rounded a corner at twenty miles over the speed limit.

That was when he saw it, the red and blue flashing lights in his rear view mirror. He keep going for a quarter of a mile, making sure that the cop was actually signaling to him. It was, the squad car right behind him, and it beeped the siren a couple of times.

_How dare he pull _me _over_, he thought. _I've been driving like this since before I even got my license and _no one_ had ever dared to attempt to pull me over!_

But he reluctantly complied.

Though he decided to be petty and parked the farthest from the curb as legal on the busy street, figuring that if the cop was afraid of getting run over by all the passing cars, then he wouldn't be too keen on keeping him there for long; maybe he could get out of this ticket and keep his record clean.

He started trying to think up ideas: his mother was just admitted into the hospital and he needed to see her, he was the only child left living after all... no, he'd feel bad using Esme's health as an excuse. His speedometer is broken, it seems; he wasn't even aware he was going that fast...

The brainstorming wasn't going very well when he heard a knock on his window. He pressed the button to lower it and put on his most brilliant smile, hoping he could charm his way out of this situation... and he was taken aback.

There was a Siren disguised as the letter of the law in front of him.

She has luscious dark brown hair pulled back into a playful ponytail that he wanted to pull on, dark pink lips that looked to be their natural color, and sexy aviator sunglasses on her gorgeous heart shaped face. He allowed himself to continue his ogling and glanced down what he could see of her body, which was fantastic. He sighed when he noticed that she really was in a police uniform, and a thousand fantasies immediately started playing in his head. It didn't help that her uniform shirt seemed to be too small for her, the buttons stretching the fabric slightly, and when she turned to the side he could see in the gap between them. A deep blue bra. Nothing lacey or scant, but classy. He found himself in love with her breasts already, especially in that color, though he figured they'd be even better without anything on them.

He smirked to himself at his mental pictures before realizing that she had been talking to him. _What is it cops say at times like this?_ Oh, right! He pulled out his registration from the glove box and fished into his pants pocket for his wallet to pull out his license, taking the time to subtly adjust himself, before handing the documents dutifully over to the angel. She looked them over, glanced down the length of his car and spoke into the radio on her shoulder to her partner in the squad car, probably telling them the stats, double checking that the car-his brilliant Aston Martin Vanquish; he prided himself on having the car before James Bond did-wasn't stolen.

He wanted desperately to hear what her voice sounded like, but he couldn't. His ears didn't seem to be working properly, much to his chagrin. His other senses were in overload. Vision was entranced in her beauty, and Scent devoured her natural fragrance of strawberries and freesia.

She held up a finger to him and her mouth spoke silent words at him before she walked away. Logic told him that she said for him to wait there, but he still didn't hear her words. Vision watched her ass walk away back to her partner and soared when he saw her slender form lean down in the window to talk to him.

_Oh, shit._

Her partner was a him, Brain realized, and analyzed her actions. He observed the way she smiled at him and how she leaned into the window, probably giving him a heart attack with those tiny, useless buttons on her shirt, flirting with him. She laughed at something he said, slapping his arm, and turned to head back over to Edward's car. The Partner smacked her butt playfully and she squealed, her cheeks turning beet red when a car honked at the scene, but she kept her dignity intact and her head held high as she returned to Edward's side. She was taken. _I should have known_...

At least now he would be able to actually interact with her since he didn't have to worry about his Nerves making him look stupid in front of her.

And so he heard her beautiful voice for the first time. "All seems to be in order here, but I'd figure you'd want to take care of a hot car like this, not drive it like you want to wreck it," she shook her head filling out paperwork.

_She thought my car was hot. I think I love this car even more now_. And he was in even more awe of her now. Not only did she have good taste in cars, but her voice rang in his mind. Bells. That was what her voice was; Hearing was now siding with the rest of his senses in their want for this woman.

"Yeah. Well, I've never once gotten in an accident or received a ticket before now," he mumbled, hoping the words he strung together made sense.

"There's a first time for everything... Edward," she said, presumably looking at his license for his name.

"I know," he sighed. "There's been a lot of firsts for me tonight."

"Oh?" she asked politely, making conversation while she filled out his ticket.

"I also got stood up for the first time tonight." _And I just might have experienced love at first sight_.

She laughed. "Why you anyone stand _you_ up?" Her inflection in the sentence gave him a twinge of hope. Maybe she was just the tiniest bit attracted to him...

"I don't know," he teased, feeling a little more lighthearted. "I guess I've just lost my game," he sighed over dramatically. His heart thumped when she laughed again.

"No, I'd say you still have game. Your girl just had other things to do tonight. I'm willing to wager she wouldn't have agreed to those other engagements if she would have known what she was missing out on."

"Maybe," Edward agreed. "But maybe it was worth missing out on that date, considering my excellent timing in getting my first ticket." He tried to keep his voice aloof so she could interpret his words as she wished: annoyance at getting caught speeding, or acceptance of the consequences because it meant meeting her. He failed, of course, and she saw right through him.

She smiled wide. "Here you are, Edward. Don't speed in traffic again." She winked at him, handing over the slip of paper along with his registration and license before sauntering back over to the squad car and climbing in the driver's seat. In his rear view mirror, he saw her slap her partner's hands away from her. _Not dating him. Thank __God_...

He took the papers he handed her and went to hastily shove them in the glove box when he noticed writing outside the lines of ticket.

Scrawled across where his information and crime should have been were the words: _"Alice was right. You ARE funny and handsome. Call me and we'll reschedule what we had to miss out on tonight. And don't let your sister try to make it a double date again."_

And a phone number was written. This most definitely wasn't a ticket after all.

And Alice was right yet again.

Their car pulled away from the curb and passed by him, Officer Bella Swan giving him a flirty wave and wink as she passed and Edward knew he had a big, cheesy grin plastered on his face.

He'd have to remember to thank Alice.

She was his perfect woman after all.

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Thoughts? Comments? Rage over the first Edward in fanfiction to receive a speeding ticket? Come on, y'all, tell SpeedWard what you thought of him ;)

Much Love,

MuffN


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